Stages to Waking...

“Ughh…hmmm…”

The cool morning air touches me like a gentle hand, slowly dragging me to be half-awake. My ears barely hear the endless churning of vehicles passing by the road below. My eyes feebly discern a cornucopia of blur around the room. My mouth feels dry and I smell nothing unusual except a faint whiff of cigarette smoke from the night before.

“Ohhh…uhmm…”

I feel my body recoil from the numbness of lying down for an indefinite amount of time. My movements seem restrained and mechanical. I struggle to sit myself up from my bed, ignoring the temptation to snooze some more. The plain sheets are scattered and in disarray. My feet finally find themselves reaching for the wooden floor. There is a certain amount coldness that is transmitted from my feet to my brain.

“Hwmm…hooo…”

I let out a subtle yawn as a battle cry to an unknown fight ahead. The blur around me gradually cleared into various shapes and figures that I can distinguish. I calmly shake my head to remove the veil of confusion from my slumber. I find my mind grasping for something. A sudden jolt hit me.

“Ahhh…grrr…”

A dream. No, it was more of a nightmare. Not again. This irascible being was ravaging my consciousness again. I swore I never wanted to be reminded of it. I was flooded with a barrage of questions and thoughts like bees randomly buzzing around me—Why? What do you really want? Why won’t you go away and leave me alone? When will you ever stop hurting me? I can’t take it anymore. Pain. Hate. Misery. Happiness. Intimacy. Broken hope. Fear. Where am I? Who are you? Trust. Deception. Betrayal. Estrangement. You are happy now, don’t fuck with my life anymore. Dissention. Deliverance. Karma. We don’t deserve each other. Why bother? Do you care? No, you don’t. I won’t let you shit on me again. Defiance. Disgust. Aversion…

“No…stop!”

My mouth came alive and channeled my sentiment right away. The ramblings faded away, as if decimated by a banshee scream. I looked around once more, confirming the plane of existence where I am. This is another vestige of a vile past still haunting me. I thought I was through with this? I hate it every time this happens. I just want it to go away. I just want to be left alone... Suddenly, I felt the warmth of the sun trying to comfort me, as though it understood what I was going through. You had enough for the time being, let it go and live on… I shelved my useless meanderings and slowly stood up.

“I am awake…”